Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
