just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
