i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
why do cheetos always look like penises
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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