4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
