The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
