Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
