I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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