Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
They took my balls.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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