i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
