like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
