I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
