Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
