Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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