Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
