Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
