man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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