I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
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So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
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It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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