I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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