just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
