Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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