Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
