so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
