Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
