Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
My feet surprised me
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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