he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
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