what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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