I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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