Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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