im having a threesome with these popsicles
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
