1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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