I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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