this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
