Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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