Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Randomize
