i permit you to call me
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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