He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
