you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
