Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
