last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
