apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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