just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
