I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
You ruined the universe
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
