So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Randomize
