He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
