I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
