why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
