Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
