allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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