Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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