In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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