Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
