As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
