I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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