Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Randomize