I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
