Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
