no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Randomize
