what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
