with your own penis?
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Buhtt sex?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
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he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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