I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
