I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
sex in a hospital.. check
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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