he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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