Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
