Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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